Report by Daniel Mortlock and The Remnants WhatsApp group:
As we walked from the ground in the last of the fading light this evening, Cam found himself searching for the most appropriate adjective to describe our efforts in the field, eventually settling on "abject". But, really, any of the options suggested by a thesaurus would have done the job: wretched, miserable, hopeless, pathetic, pitiful, pitiable, piteous, sorry, forlorn, woeful, lamentable, appalling, atrocious, awful.
This was a considerable fall from our starting point of having 17 available players, meaning a rare chance to actually select a properly balanced side. Such was our optimism that we e-mailed the Coton organiser "We might end up with twelve players all keen for a game, so would it be okay with you to play everyone, rotating people off so there's only eleven in the field?" This, unfortunately, turned out to be an act of hubris that was severely punished - by noon on match day we were down to ten. The general sense of administrative anarchy can be seen by the maddening flurry of messages on the club WhatsApp group:
[22/05/2026, 17:44:21] Daniel Mortlock: Teams up for next week's games on Tuesday at Fitz and on Wednesday AT LECKHAMPTON. I think everyone who's a "yes" for at least one game is playing, with most "maybe"s down as reserves.
[22/05/2026, 17:45:58] Qaiser Ahmed: Hi @Daniel Mortlock I have to withdraw from next Wednesday game.
[22/05/2026, 17:48:27] Daniel Mortlock: Sorry to hear that; will amend the team.
[22/05/2026, 18:36:33] John Young: Sorry I also won't be able to play on Tuesday. I've updated Pitchero.[23/05/2026, 08:53:26] Paul Jordan: Sorry I available for Tuesday's game adjusted on Pitcher
[23/05/2026, 14:49:03] Daniel Mortlock: You all keep using that word "available". I do not think it means what you think it means.
[23/05/2026, 14:49:13] Daniel Mortlock: (All noted and subs promoted to the elevens.)
[23/05/2026, 21:19:10] James Robinson: apologies Dan but my life is not worth playing both days have declined wednesday
[23/05/2026, 21:36:54] Daniel Mortlock: Sounds serious . . . but was guessing two days might be too much. Will "promote" a reserve . . .
[24/05/2026, 10:22:03] Daniel Mortlock: @Francois Rossouw: Just want to check if you're happy to play both games this week. (If not then we have reserves for Wednesday.)
[24/05/2026, 10:44:38] Lahiru Wijedasa: Sorry, I was a maybe for Tuesday and unsure for wed. Playing zoology vs cam assessment on Tues and Zoology vs perse on Thurs. Cant play three days in a row after injury. Sorry @Daniel Mortlock. Have another player interested to play for remnants. Will link yiu up now
[24/05/2026, 10:46:50] Francois Rossouw: Yes please.
[24/05/2026, 16:36:01] Daniel Mortlock: Please welcome @Sujay Iyer who should be making his Remnants debut this Tuesday. (Ping @Joe White as captain.)
[24/05/2026, 16:52:45] Cameron A Petrie: Expanding the ranks of NCI players further.
[24/05/2026, 16:53:20] Cameron Petrie: Perhaps we should aim for a Remnants of NCI v Remnants of St Giles match at some point
[24/05/2026, 16:57:27] Francois Rossouw: Since I don't play for either I'll umpire.
[27/05/2026, 11:55:50] Daniel Mortlock: I just realised I've come to Cambridge without my box. Does anyone either i) have a spare they could bring this evening or ii) know anywhere in town I could buy one? Thanks
[27/05/2026, 11:56:19] Francois Rossouw: I've got a spare for you.
[27/05/2026, 11:56:39] Francois Rossouw: Neither of mine have been used in months so they should be fine :)
[27/05/2026, 12:05:43] Daniel Mortlock: That's much appreciated!
[27/05/2026, 12:06:36] Daniel Mortlock: But do bring both, as there will likely be a number of people who play mainly as bowlers who get a bat this evening.
[27/05/2026, 12:08:11] Cameron Petrie: Decent box and box shorts available at sports direct
[27/05/2026, 12:10:59] Daniel Mortlock: Thanks for that tip too. I might go for that, since the trap for me is always bringing stuff back and forth between Cambridge and London. I can keep a box in Cambridge the way some people keep an apartment on the Cote d'Azur.
[27/05/2026, 12:15:20] Cameron Petrie: Sounds idyllic
[27/05/2026, 12:16:31] Lahiru Wijedasa: Better put your signature on it. Potentially auctionable in an alte
[27/05/2026, 12:38:14] Daniel Mortlock: @Pete Ames: Just want to check that you know you're playing today - Pitchero doesn't show a confirmation.
[27/05/2026, 12:41:03] Pete Ames: @Daniel Mortlock - ever so sorry. I didn't know that, I think the game last night threw me a little bit.
[27/05/2026, 12:41:03] Pete Ames: And it'll be a struggle to make it, so is anyone else available at all tonight?
[27/05/2026, 12:41:45] Pete Ames: @Tom Serby you're down as a reserve, if you'd be able to make it?
[27/05/2026, 12:54:04] Daniel Mortlock: We are bowling-heavy this evening, so a batter would be particularly welcome (which I realise includes you, @Tom Serby).
[27/05/2026, 12:58:30] Daniel Mortlock: Glad I checked . . . but could you check if you got the usual "you're selected" message from Pitchero? I just want to make sure the system's working.
[27/05/2026, 13:00:31] Pete Ames: No it was my bad, turns out I had notifications for the app off. If we can't get anyone else in, I'll see what I can do myself rather than leave you with 10.
[27/05/2026, 14:10:26] Daniel Mortlock: @Pete Ames: If you can make at a sensible time that means you get most of a game then please do come. We can just coordinate here re. either arrival time or replacement.
[27/05/2026, 14:46:12] Tom Serby: I'm very happy to play this afternoon at Leckhampton and it looks like I'm still needed?
[27/05/2026, 14:47:51] Pete Ames: @Tom Serby very much needed, so thank you very much and apologies all for the faff!
[27/05/2026, 14:53:30] Daniel Mortlock: Okay, confirming that Pete has self-identified as unavailable and transitioned to being a batter called Tom.
Eleven Remnants did arrive at Leckhampton in good time for a 6pm start - not that this meant our problems were over, as we won the toss. The pitch looked like it would be tricky to bat on, so the natural option would have been to bowl, but with our side's median age being 52 it was clearly preferable to field when conditions were cooler. The obvious alternative of batting first was risky due to our long tail: we only had four players with a (Remnants) batting average of more than 15.00. Still, that's what we went for, hoping at least for a solid start . . .
. . . whereas by the end of the first over we'd lost our first wicket, allowed several deliveries a few feet outside leg to go un-wided, and called a nine-ball over (the explanation for which turned out to be that one of umpire Paul Jordan's counting stones had broken in two). This pattern was broadly repeated in the second and third overs, after which the total was a drama-rich 27/3. Tim Simmance (26 off 26 balls) and Seb Hammersley (43* retired off 44 balls) then combined for our one significant partnership. Seb's decisive punches and pulls were familiar, if particularly impressive given the wildly variable bounce; but Tim (previous Remnants high score: 14*) was a revelation, repeatedly flicking the ball to the leg-side boundary without seeming to move anything other than his arms.
At 110/4 after 12 of our 15 (eight-ball) overs we'd ordinarily have had some hopes of getting up to 140-odd, but today that would have required our tail to wag as never before, which it didn't: in the end Tim and Seb's exclusive "double figures" club was joined only by Daniel Mortlock, who scored 13* (off 7 balls, along with two more protected by his own brand-new box).
The target of 129 - or was it 130? - we'd set Coton was far from daunting, but neither was it trivial given the nature of the pitch. If we could have cut out the loose balls and fielded well we'd have been a chance, so it's a pity we did neither. Our bowlers seemed to have been infected by some sort of "wild pitch" virus (excuse the baseball analogy), as all sent down some completely awful deliveries, most of which were suitably punished. Not that these really mattered, as when the bowlers got the ball in the right place the pitch did the rest, with mis-hits and edges galore. Our two wickets - yes, just two - came in this way and both were significant. First was when Naveen Chouksey (1/19) bowled one of the Coton openers to, after some wait, take his 100th wicket for Remnants. Then Paul Jordan (1/21) induced an outside edge that was superbly held by 'keeper Seb - he was standing up to the stumps, so had no time to drop it - which was Paul's 366th Remnants wickets, taking him equal second with Tony Malik (PBUH) on the all-time list.
The real problem was that the numerous other chances we generated were either dropped or were just plain missed. The most important - and probably the easiest - came after Max Ayliffe (0/22) induced Coton's best batter to be early on his shot, a leading edge ballooning towards Tom at short-cover, who seemed not to pick up the ball and eventually found himself putting in an awkward dive. And while Simon Godsill technically avoided adding to the litany of drops by opting to let the one (difficult) chance that came his way pass between his raised arms in the manner of a rubgy ball bisecting the goalposts, it was fitting in this context that he extended his club record of most matches without taking a catch to an incredible 38. By the end of the game it was almost surreal how confident one could be that the increasing number of lofted shots to fielders would result in the ball bobbling out of hands and onto the ground. The general sense of lethargy was further emphasised by the foot-dominated ground-fielding (at some level a combination of our aged demographic and the rough surface) and the appalling attempts to return the ball to the bowlers, a goodly fraction of which resulted in the ball trickling towards mid-on or mid-off. It was abject . . . or wretched . . . or miserable . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.