Rather unusually, today's match report has arrived in the form of a radio transcript, diligently compiled by our very own Geoff Hales as he defied doctor's orders and stayed up all night beside his crackling wireless . . .
|The Test Match Special theme music makes itself heard above the static as the signal clarifies.|
|Bloers:||Welcome to Selwyn College Sports Ground, where it's Remnants vs. Selwyn in a mid-week knock-about. Selwyn are a bit of an unknown quantity, but Remnants have started the year brilliantly, being unbeaten so far and fresh from making a big total last night against The Philanderers. Hopefully they can continue that form tonight, although it will all be moot if there's rain, so here's Everton Fox with the forecast.|
|Ev:||Thank you, Henry. Conditions are overcast and sultry here in South Cambridge this evening, and the satellite map's clear, so you should get a full game in. My only complaint is that I wish I was there rather than stuck in bloody Doha -- 40 degrees in the shade gets old very quickly. Anyway, I'm about to go burka shopping with the missus, so it's back to you in the TMS studio.|
Thank you Everton -- see you at The Club when you're back in the country.
Back here the news is that Remnants have won the toss and are going to bat first -- do you agree with their decision, Geoffrey?
|Boycs:||Couldn't do much else, could they? Only four of 'em here!|
Yes, fair point, Geoffrey.
Oh, and here's our scorer, looking absolutely resplendent in a blue sunhat -- and somewhere in her bags she's got her glasses and a packet of absolutely yummy two-day-old peanut butter sandwiches which we're all going to tuck into later.
Now, our Radio 4 listeners will be leaving us briefly for The Shipping Forecast . . .
|BBC-ish voice:||Fisher; German Bight; Dover; Sole; . . .|
|Bloers:||Welcome back to our Radio 4 listeners -- while you've been away Remnants have lost their first wicket, Mike Sneyd caught in the deep (at the second attempt) for 2. A bit unlucky, would you say, Geoffrey?|
|Boycs:||Unlucky? Trying to hit him over the top were plain daft! That's the trouble with young players these days, that is. He's got 2, he thinks he's done the hard work, and he's going to play his shots. Graft, that's what you've got to do, graft -- that's what we were taught at Yorkshire . . .|
|Bloers:||But now there's a splendid partnership developing between Oliver Harris (on debut for Remnants) and first-time skipper Andrew Lea, and the score's building up nicely.|
|Boycs:||Sachin Tendulkar, Brian Lara, Gary Sobers -- me if you like -- we could all graft. Get yer 'ead down, get a run, get yer 'ead down, get another, and soon you're not out and on top of the bowling. Len Hutton always said . . .|
|Bloers:||Yes, and I'm afraid there's been a bit of a collapse. Oliver Harris is out for a splendid 42 and Andrew Lea has gone for a elegant 26. And I'm afraid they've got a bit too aggressive, Geoffrey.|
|Boycs:||You've got to get on with it, you can't afford to hang about, you've got to put pressure on bowlers. Impose yourself. That's what we learned at Yorkshire. Chris Tavare, Trevor Bailey -- me if you like -- we could all get on with it. Len Hutton always said . . .|
|Bloers:||Young Tom Jordan's just come in, and I must say I like the cut of his jib . . .|
|Boycs:||I don't know about the cut of his jib, but I don't like the cut of his hair.|
|Bloers:||What I like about him, he plays straight. He's got a single there, oh and there's going to be overthrows . . . yes that's a five for young Jordan. Jolly good show!|
|Boycs:||I've not seen the lad bowl; 'is dad could bowl a bit -- like Aggers, only slower.|
|Bloers:||Well, at 77 for 3, Radio 4 listeners are going to leave for a few minutes for . . .|
|The Archers theme music fades in . . .|
|Bloers:||And while Radio 4's listeners have been catching up with The Archers omnibus, I'm afraid the Remnants innings has come to a close for a rather disappointing 99 for 7 from their 20 overs. This was the the key moment:|
|Bloers (on tape):||. . . Les Collings, often referred to as ``the engine room of the side'', takes strike to face his first ball. He moves confidently down the line, but he's beaten by the turn, and the bails are off! ``Not out,'' says the square leg umpire . . . and now words are being exchanged . . . Les is telling the 'keeper that he might also be a bald old git when he's forty -- wonderful what you can pick up on the stump microphones. Anyway, it's only a bit of ``handbags at dawn'' and it's all calmed down now as Collings is ready to face the next delivery. Again that confident stride forward, but again he's beaten by the turn. And this time the finger's gone up! Oh dear -- he never gave the feeling of permanence, did he Geoffrey?|
|Boycs (on tape):||Well I don't think the lad's fully fit -- and he can't bat for toffee even when he is.|
So, as you might have heard if you weren't listening to Radio 4,
a disappointing end for Remnants after that good partnership.
They'll just have to bowl straight,
hold their catches,
and be generally tight in the field.
Not too much tonic in mine, please . . .
|. . . as we fade into Woman's Hour while Henry refuels . . .|
|Bloers:||Welcome back to Radio 4 listeners, who've missed the start of Selwyn's innings, which is now gathering momentum. They lost a couple of early wickets to Chris McNeill -- I do like that bright yellow baseball cap, jolly smart -- but now these two batsmen are setting about the Remnants pace attack. So captain Lea is turning to spin (no pun intended) by bringing on young Tom Jordan, who batted so sensibly for his 10 earlier in the day. Jordan's coming in now; he gives it good loop and -- oh my goodness -- he's bowled him 'round his legs! I say! Super ball! Is there a gleam of light at the end of the tunnel, Geoffrey?|
|Boycs:||I don't know about gleams of light -- they never taught us about them at Yorkshire. A bit late, with all the overs Selwyn've got left. But I agree with you, Henry, the lad gives it good loop. He's not afraid to toss it up. All the great leg-spinners, all the way back to Bill O'Reilly ('e could bowl a bit), Richie Benaud, Shane Warne -- me if yer like -- could all give it air. And I always tell young leg-spinners at Yorkshire . . .|
|A repeat of You And Yours fades in over Geoffrey . . .|
. . . that's the winning hit, I'm afraid, taking
Selwyn College past Remnants' rather disappointing total of 99.
Not many bright spots for Remnants beyond
Oliver Harris's 42 on debut for the club and
Tom Jordan's superb spell of 4 overs, 1 maiden, 2 for 16,
the wickets including this chap St Harvey -- oh, I see,
Anyway, it's goodnight from Geoffrey and from me, and we return you to Broadcasting House for anothe chance to hear Yesterday In Parliament.
|pompous voice:||Order! Order! Would the right honourable's member please be upstanding when entering the chamber . . .|
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.